Kink Values I Love #2: Communication and Negotiation

If y'all haven't heard, communication is sexy!  From initial contact to mid-scene to aftercare, clear communication is key in building safety and making your kink dreams come to life.  

One of my favorite parts of diving into kink was the negotiation with my partner. We filled out lists like this one from theduchy.com. We discovered things about ourselves and each other in this process. We evaluated older paradigms and got excited to try new things. Most importantly, we learned about each other's soft and hard limits before playing together.  

My partner and I had a head-start regarding communication. We arrived in the relationship with years of growth work and relationships under our belts. Still, over a year in, we find times where speaking our truth is hard. We feel fear or shame. Fear that the other will not like what we are thinking or feeling, hence a loss of connection. Shame because we judge ourselves. Gratitude for when we do share, the other is open and compassionate.  

From Internal Family Systems or "parts work", we borrow some qualities to look for in this process. The 8 C's and 5 P's, compassion, creativity, curiosity, confidence, courage, calmness, connectedness, clarity, presence, persistence, perspective, playfulness and patience. I can ask myself if I am embodying these or am I closed off, defensive, fearful or in shame? If so, it is an indicator for me to slow down, and reflect on what is happening in my body and why. 

I have been privileged to be able to work through my issues with support and care. By letting me know that she wants to hear my truth, my partner makes a space for me to feel all my feelings, to confront myself and not project my shadows onto her. In Alice Phoebe Lou's song, "Only When I", she sings, "You didn't heal me but I healed through the things you do." That is so true in a relationship that is not co-dependent but interdependent. 

There are many factors to a successful scene or relationship but clear communication and open negotiation are, well... non-negotiable. 

May your voice be raised and may the kink be with you!