Kink Values I Love: #1 Consent / Consensual

Consent literally means, "to feel with or to feel together". One cannot violate another without their consent and still "feel together". Violation of boundaries and ignoring another's sovereignty (violence, sexual assault, war) requires one to ignore the other's experience, ignore one's own feelings and worse yet, take pleasure in the violation. A violator finds power in the taking. This is why violators seek to dehumanize their victims - so they don't have to "feel with".

If personal growth work and shadow work were part of the larger social and political values, we might see more violators find a more healthy path for their inclinations and less rape and violence. Generally we see cis-males being the ones to violate. Women can also take on the messages of the patriarchy. Men in patriarchal/monotheistic/military/corporate power structures tend to have no model for healthy masculinity. They are taught to push down their feelings, be disdainful of other men for their feelings and that violence or dominance is the only path to power. 

I went the opposite way and embraced the feminine at an early age. I had trouble accessing the masculine (both positive and negative aspects). At 50, I've been lucky and privileged to be a part of a community of men who value emotions, self-reflection, accountability and integrity. I also have a partner with whom I can safely explore with. I've more or less integrated both my masculine and feminine parts and starting to see the value in non-binary perspectives too. What a world would we live in if we saw people as people and not a predetermined set of qualities?

The value of consent, especially enthusiastic consent, needs to be part of our societal structures if we are to evolve.

I am so grateful for the kink community for this and many other values. Please go out there and play (and live) in a safe, sane, trauma-informed, and consensual way!

May the kink be with you,

Jesse